New Year's Eve/Day Reflections

Reflecting on What It Means To Be Strong, How Healing Hurts Like Heck and Isn't Linear, and How Jesus Is Literally The Key.

"Oh, we need You, Jesus!" -Highlands Worship

Months have gone by since my first blog post, and I have felt a little guilty because this blog was years in the making. I was, and still am, extremely excited to get this community up and running. I want to document memories, lessons, and my overall journey. Unfortunately, I struggle with time management (which I am working on gradually), and I also have been experiencing some personally emotional, mental, and spiritual trials during all this time between my last post and this one. Therefore, I plan on trying to post at least once a month in this new year. And, without further ado, let's dive into today's personal insights.

What It Means To Be Strong.

Strength. What comes to mind first? Muscles? Running a mile or two without feeling like you're dying? Participating in a half-marathon, perhaps? Having a natural childbirth? Lasting longer than a second in an ice bath? Not fainting when you get a flu shot? Not getting nauseous at the sight of blood?

These ideas all have one thing in common; want to take a guess?....Did you guess it?.... They are all ideas of physical strength and willpower! Yet, do we really pay attention to emotional strength? Or, do we simply dismiss emotions because we view them as a weakness? I think we do; I know I have dismissed my own emotions countless times for fear of looking, feeling, and being vulnerable.

However, what if the point of true strength is in our vulnerabilities? I admit, as an enneagram 1 [the perfectionist], I really, really, really do not like to look weak in any way. I put so much pressure on myself to have everything together and figured out. I mean, I am a young twenty-something with my whole life ahead of me, and yet I feel all this pressure to make the most of my life and be someone great. We hear it all the time...at least it seems/feels that way in today's society. To be perfectly filtered and yet perfectly unfiltered at the same time. How is this even possible though? It seems kind of like an oxymoron situation to me.

Now, I have struggled with perfectionism since I was quite young, so I am constantly battling my inner critical voice. My inner bully. Constantly battling insecurity. Constantly dealing with Imposter Syndrome. As I write this, you have no idea how anxious I am or how tight my stomach is—that is how much I dislike admitting any little parts of my inner battles, but if my own journey can help someone, anyone, know what it truly means to be strong, I can muster enough emotional courage to speak up. Scripture confirms vulnerability is actually strength and two verses are listed below to demonstrate this:

He [Jesus] took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:37-39, NIV)

But he [God] said to me [Apostle Paul], “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NIV)

Therefore, Jesus Himself experienced emotional overwhelm; He understands sorrow, anxiety, and, dare I say, weakness. Jesus who is God in flesh and bone understands me and ultimately demonstrates to me that, when I am going through it, it is okay to admit my feelings to myself and others. It is okay to ask for a loved one or close friend to stay with me as I fall to my knees before God. It is okay to ask for Him to take my experience away, especially if it feels like it is simply too much. Yet, not my will, but His will be done. Likewise, His grace and His grace alone is sufficient for me. When we are weak, that is when Christ's power takes every little broken piece of us and makes it into something exquisite! To be strong is to be weak, if that makes sense. Overall, I am still learning about vulnerability and true strength, but that is my first New Year's Eve reflection.

Healing Hurts Like Heck and Isn't Linear

My second New Year's Eve reflection is how much healing actually hurts. It hurts so much partly because it is so much like a rollercoaster. Up, down, left, right, jerk you around here, jerk you around there, upside down, forward, and backward. It is also fast some moments, slow the next few moments. It is a complicated spiral. Honestly, a lot of the time I find myself sometimes questioning if I am even healing at all!

Though, healing is not meant to be a straight line—at least that is what I have come to realize last year. Wow, 2023 is already here. Crazy how fast the year went by, if we think about it. For me, I felt like certain months were on fast forward and others were in slow motion as I began my healing process, and I think that is a cause to the pain of healing. Let me ask a question: Have you ever felt as though the slow motion parts made your mental and emotional wounds feel like they were being ripped open again? Like, your wounds were almost turning into fresh scars, but then something triggers a memory. A flash. There only for a moment, and yet anxiety comes like a sucker punch to the gut. And then, survival mode engages all over again.

Yeah, that is how I feel about a lot of things. 2020, 2021, and 2022 have been rough, to say the least. I am still a bit traumatized from the Covid pandemic; so many loved ones got it, some survived, and others passed away. So many political arguments over it. So much hatred and division. I feel as if I am walking on broken glass barefoot when it comes to anything about Covid with anyone outside a few family members and a close friend. I used to not really care for politics, but now, honestly, I hate politics. I know it is a civil duty/right to vote....it could someday get taken away. It is not guaranteed forever. However, do I even want to vote? Would my voice even matter? Does anyone running even care about me and others more than their own agenda? I say this now because I am still hurting from a lot of boarded up trauma, so maybe when I am further along in my process, I will have a different perspective.

Moreover, I am also healing from being my own worst critic. I am the protagonist and the antagonist. ["It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me." ~Anti-hero by Taylor Swift] The critic in me does not want me to see any of the progress I have made in two years, but the first step to combating the inner bully is to see the good that has happened. First, I am not as anxious to leave my house anymore. Though, I cannot yet be around a large number of people. I have borderline social anxiety, so smaller groups of less than or equal to 10 are better, but one-on-one or two-on-one are preferable. Second, I used to get so tense and almost paralyzed if I did not get a perfect score on my academic accomplishments. I still would like to get a perfect score, yet I do not obsess as much. What had been a 10 [perfectionist analysis paralysis obsession] is more like a 6.5 on a good day and a 7.5/8 on a bad day.

That is to say, I am making progress. Is it slow and gradual? Definitely. Am I proud of where I am as opposed to where I was two years ago? Absolutely! Am I still battling insecurity, imposter syndrome, and a fork in my path? Yes, yes, and yes. Do I still struggle to get out of bed some days? Also, yes. Am I where I want to be? No. Will 2023 be my year to move into being fully healed? We shall see. However, I do not think trauma ever fully disappears; we simply find out how to move forward and make our life worthwhile despite it. I know that five, ten, twenty years down the journey's road I will have days where something will hit me...and it might even hit me hard. But I must remember what the Lord says: that HIS grace is sufficient for me. As a broken girl turned redeemed princess, I am covered by my Creator-Redeemer-King's love, grace, and mercy, and that is enough for me.

Jesus Is Literally The Key

I mean, the heading is self-explanatory already, and yet I need to reiterate how much this is the truth. Without Jesus, life is waaaay more difficult and just plain sucks. The healing process will never end. Constant burn-out mentally, emotionally, and physically. Without Jesus, we are spiritually dead and enslaved to sin and darkness. But with Jesus, there is purpose, truth, life, and ultimate freedom.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6, NIV)

Jesus Christ is the Great Physician, the Great Healer, the Savior of the world. If anyone can understand my experience the best, He can; He came to Earth as a helpless, innocent child, born of a virgin, and to be raised in a humble family so that He could be with us, teaching and healing us, and dying for us. He bore our shame. Our guilt. Our pain. Our trauma. He bore it all out of love. He gave us the opportunity to reach out and choose true freedom, healing, love, strength, authenticity, peace, and joy. To live life to the absolute fullest with Him. Nothing about Jesus' situation was easy, so He is the perfect One to empathize and sympathize with us. With me. Consequently, my third New Year's Eve reflection and the key to my strength and healing is literally all around me: Jesus.

Thus, with these reflections in mind, I feel confident that my 2023 will be great and full of necessary changes. I am strong even when I am weak, healing is a spiral, and God's grace covers me. Likewise, Jesus sees, hears, knows, and understands me the best, and I can turn to Him always. In fact, I should turn to Him always. Additionally, I may question whether I am making progress in life, but I need to remind myself to look at the good and count my blessings. To see how far I make it in the near future from where I stand currently. Lastly, life is not about me; it is about Jesus and living with and for Him. Life is about living faithfully in communion with my Creator-Redeemer-King.

Anyway, Happy New Year to you! May 2023 be the best year yet!

One Last Thing...

Are you feeling spiritually exhausted? Are you in an emotionally dry season? Comment down below for prayer. If you do not feel comfortable making your request public, please click the Contact button in the upper right corner and reach out to me privately. You do not have to feel or be alone in whatever you are facing in this season of life. You belong here.

Also, please leave a comment regarding any questions or ideas about Jesus, beauty and strength, or authenticity and storytelling you want me to discuss in a future post.

Faithfully His and Fearlessly Me,

Danielle

xoxo